We often tend to sound pretty mawkish under situations beyond our forbearance and control. We tend to develop a shield against the uncontrollably growing mechanism of perforation of goodness by the ills around us that we consider, are detrimental to our lives. But the question is, are the ills really ruinous for us? Are they not necessary? What is the meaning of the good, when the evil doesn't exist? I remember having read it somewhere that the evil is created by the good, to get itself recognized as something important and unique among a herd of identical species.
“Daag achhe hain”(Stains are Good)- Consider that simple advertisement of Surf Excel that promoted its product by praising “daag”-Stains. Can stains ever be good? Yet the ad has been highly applauded, accepted and of course, the product is a hit! A simple philosophy of “respecting” the “sentiments” of one’s enemy has been highlighted in the ad and hence, it clicked!
Jealousy, the green eyed monster, captured our poor Jackal who coined the historic phrase, “Grapes are Sour”. The story explained: if you don’t achieve what you want, you tend to negate it, dislike it or rebuke it by finding flaws in it deliberately. Isn't it obvious? This is a natural human tendency to negate the unachievable, to restore the peace of mind. But, it isn't healthy ;-)
The above two paragraphs actually explained two absolutely opposite approaches of dealing with the negative emotions of hatred, jealousy, etc., where most of us fail in life. Reconciling from unexpected downfalls and adapting to some unwanted facts of life have always been the most challenging tasks for the intelligent mammals, because they are connected with Emotions- the brutal mastermind of all “mishaps” on earth!:-/
What if we modify our attitudes towards the “sour grapes” a little, in such a way that they can merge with the “stains are good” logic? In other words, what if we channelize our negative frequencies in a positive direction? Helps us feel good, and shall be healthy too!
Consider your rival becoming your motivator to push you beyond the edges- not to fall down, but to rebuild and rejuvenate yourself! Respect the talent in them, accept that they are good. Accept that the Grapes are Sweet, but you cannot reach them-today.Tomorrow, you may achieve them with ease. A hopeful future is much better than a sulking present.
Philosophies are the easiest things to quote and the most difficult ones to follow. Agreed! But once we tend to comprehend the lurking concept of it, it indeed helps us positively.“If you can’t find the solution to a problem, then you are the problem”! Never be your own problem.Solve them! Avoid things that disturb you, not by negating them, but by believing that “Grapes are sweet”- and you will taste them one day! :-)
05 August 2013
03 July 2009
The WHY Factor! [fiction]
The WHY Factor!
"Why?"...an entity that we ponder over...every time. I have never got an answer to it. Does it conclude that there's no solution?I was taught "everything has a solution", so does our cognition. But have we changed yet? If the early men fought for lives, we fight for tribes, only deviation being the "awareness" that they lacked. Literally, we don’t know where exactly we are heading to!
A war is never a solution to anything. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, and a hand for a hand makes it defunct! You might question, what's wrong with me...why am I turning so mawkish? You still have the "why", huh! Some incidents really prove our true senses.
Jokes apart. No one has got the right to beat up another human. I saw it before my eyes. I couldn’t do anything. They didn’t allow me move to the victim. It was a friend. "Friend"-someone who stands by you through thick and thin. I couldn’t prove a friend that time. So many confusions...if I move in, the whole world will pounce upon me. If I don’t, I can never forgive myself. "Let’s take the challenge", I thought.
Injustice is something which can’t be tolerated at any cost. I shouted at them to stop, I almost moved in...There held someone by my hand, and pulled me back. I was told, "Never interfere"
Interference? Helping a friend being beaten unjustly, is interference? May be! I held back my aggression and vanished. I wasn’t a coward. Logically, it was interference and if I interfered...I mean "I" interfered, things would have gone really BIG. That was a "friend's" hand to pull me back.
The whole day I kept on wondering, what's the solution to this? Why does a mole hill turn a mountain? Why is aggression the cessation to everything? There were about 200 of us, closed in a room along with the victim. I had no clue of the story. All I knew was that, injustice prevailed when the friend was thrashed.
Why wasn’t anything in my hands? Why was the deciding factor so very conscious? Why isn’t everything black and white...why does the gray exist? I sometimes stared at the prey, the eyes asked for mercy..."stop it all of you...don’t dupe me here, please"
But, the "all" were not going to stop. Some had the advantage of pastime, while some enjoyed the play. Some even loved the knotty situation. I could only gesture "don’t worry, everything's gonna be fine"...but I couldn’t add "am there"...I wasn’t really there...nor was I dead. I was just selfish, needing say, all 200 of us were...but the fact still remains I WAS!
You can’t clap with one hand...both sides are at fault...but the ultimate sufferer is the "innocents"...that's again, INJUSTICE! Why does injustice exist? Why isn’t everything as normal as humanity is meant to be? Sometimes we meet humans who make a lot of difference in our lives, positively or negatively. Why do such incidents exist?
[To be contd…]
It was the Friday morning that can never be forgotten. A sunny day, I was normally gushing through my notes to appear for my internals. The bus stopped. We got down. I was engrossed with my physics book, so much that I had no trace of the 180 guys standing in front of me. They said they waited for me. Amidst them stood a friend, she was innocently staring at me. “You finally put us in trouble”, my eyes told her. I reached to her. She told me that she was innocent. One of the guys stared at me with his huge eyes. I saw him for the first time, so this was him! A very important guy of my life…the ABC. He was attacked some day, and I was the co-accused. My friend told she didn’t name me, I trusted her. The one hundred and eighty were yelling at me! I could simply say, “Why should I do it?” they said, “You did it” no one had the justification to it. It was an agitated mob; I decided to keep my cool until I find a way. There was a power-girl. The daughter of someone important, she was a chum to this guy, “kneel down here”, and my friend was told. She then stared at me, “kneel down both of you”. “I won’t” I said.
I was somehow convinced that my loyalty had paid me this price. Friendship versus truth, whom do I choose? That my friend was a culprit, I was sure, but why I was embroiled, was the answer I wanted. Parents taught me, always stand for the right, I tried so! This time the right was standing at the cost of my friendship. Parents had also taught me; always stand by your friends in thick and thin, so I did. She needed me; I stood by her, unknowing the fact, how deep this matter was. If I have made her my friend, MY FRIEND can never go wrong!
Soon, the officials came for the rescue. I quietly asked them, “Sir, what has happened?” they told me to remain silent and follow them. My friend was there with me. “Don’t worry, we are innocent, we shall soon be out of this problem”, I told her. Family status, father’s name, there is nothing that counted more to me then these. Today when I am the co-accused, I am into the states of criminal affairs, a big drawback to my family name…how can I be the reason to something so insulting? My father expects so much from me, how do I face him? Would he believe me when I say I am innocent? Will the officials and management believe me? How do I prove myself? Should I leave this friend and prove myself? Why did I get into this matter, when I am completely innocent? Man! The WHY!!
I decided to stand by her, she was innocent too! We shall both come out of this together. I tried not to cry, they shall consider me weak and I am not! She was silent…so silent that it forced me to ask her what the truth was. She did have a wild argument with that chap, some days back. But, I was sure this wasn’t the reason to attack someone, at least my friend shan’t do this. We were kept secluded from the mob. I told my breath, “I can never be a reason for the downfall of my family name”. After an hour, there came a known face, a much known face, which I had been expecting. I still tried to prevent the drops, this time I failed. He told me to be calm. My friend was interrogated, she said she had no idea…I supported her.
Finally, we were taken to the mob, which had shrunk to about ten now. The important chap was still there. After many cross questions, I realized things are much to the core. I was innocent, but along with the blissful ignorance, I was indirectly involved! The XYZ, whom I had helped by giving a mere mobile number of this “important” ABC chap, had framed me into this!
This was about a fortnight ago; my friend had a fight with some seniors involving this “important” chap, due to some mere argument. The matter grew so large that, my friend cried bitterly in front of me, fearing any sort of vengeance from the seniors. To know how deadly the seniors were, I made a simple sms to XYZ asking if the matter shall be harmful to my friend. It was “do you know ABC?” He replied, such matters are normal in engineering life and my friend will be in a normal atmosphere by the next day. My frightened friend told me that she’d tell her brother to threaten this ABC. I told her what XYZ had told me, and also added that the matter should not be approached in an illegal manner. I thought she was convinced.
Things really got normal. Suddenly, after a week of that incident, XYZ had called me up asking me ABC’s number. Now, as per my knowledge, XYZ wasn’t a very pro-social human, I insisted on knowing the reason…the reply was, “he is my childhood buddy, just wanna grow contact.” Parents had always taught me, help others! I did search for his number, openly asking his friends. Finally, got it. The moment I gave XYZ the number, the reply was “he’s gone”. I was stunned, dumb and startled. I was double crossed. I begged upon him not to harm ABC, as he knew I had been asking for his number. XYZ understood my trauma, and decided not to do anything immoral. On asking for the reason of the grudge, I found no reply.
Another week passed, it was my dad’s birthday. The first day of internals. I was on my way, when I got a call from XYZ, saying that he is in front of my college. I felt the earth slipped down my feet, why is he here? He told me not to interfere and get inside without even recognizing him. Why should I not recognize him? Is he really meaning what he had told me…? “He’s gone”… why does he want to affect ABC? If ABC and team come to know I had given his number, they shall never believe that I was unknown about any serious action. So, I followed XYZ’s instruction and went inside without even staring at him. The day was normal. I thought the matter wasn’t serious, thank gawd!
Late that night, I was chatting with some of my friends when one of the seniors informed to me that my “brother” had come to college, to “thrash” ABC, because “I” had “sent” him. I have no brother, mind you! The senior informed, his name was XYZ!!! I called up XYZ, he lied to me that nothing had happened, and he just spoke to his childhood friend. The next day was a holiday. I thought the matter shall get subsided by then. But it didn’t, the BIG day was yet to come…the 180 guys!
Back to the day of confrontation, when I could co-relate all incidents beginning from the mere argument of my friend to the XYZ and cell number, I realized, my friend wasn’t a friend! It was her, the mastermind. Until then I had been lying that I didn’t know XYZ, but now I spoke up. All incidents, including the fact that my friend had once told me about sending her brother to threaten this chap…ABC. The management wanted time to research on the topic, and decided to make the verdict, on the next day, before our parents. It would be the management jury, my friend and her parents, ABC and his parents and me and my parents. That was better, I thought. My mom knew much of it, she knows everything about me. So, she can help me prove my innocence. My friend wasn’t happy. She cried. The cry of guilt, to be specific. Now I was sure of her deeds.
At home, I lived a life of frustration for the next 17hrs. Why didn’t they submit the verdict that time? Why do I have to wait? Wait is so damn painful! My parents were quite disturbed with this. Never had such an issue been raised in my family. To be frank, it was a criminal issue! Why me?
The D day finally shot in. I don’t think I had ever taken any food since then. All I knew was I had to give my best in this exam of life and prove, that I am ME. The world can turn upside down, but Aly…she can never go wrong, I believe. We reached the campus, it was a holiday…the world seemed silent and I had to prove my existence as white. I had nothing more than a faith that the “right” always triumphs. The time given was 1300hrs. It was already 50mins past the target, we were patiently sitting, waiting for the management to call us into the principal’s room. My teachers stared at me with those suspicious eyes that accused me for a crime I can never dream of. Only one of them smiled at me, the only assurance that I got, that someone trusts me. My mother was more hurt than angry, that we had to see this day for my foolishness.
Will they believe my incident? Would they understand that I had no ill intentions but to help someone positively by giving that number? Finally, my parents were called in. I found ABC with his father, but no trace of my friend or her family. I still thought that I should remind her that we had this meeting, but I stopped myself…a single step can put me into more deadly troubles.
After 10-15mins I was called in. ABC entered inside too. By then, I hated this guy more than anything else in this world. The meeting started with the management chiding at this fellow for illegally cordoning two girls inside the campus, without any proof. I was not happy by that, the damage was already done. The committee consisted of many known lecturers, the principal and some officials. I was asked the story. I told my part of it. The sms I had done to XYZ on the day of my friend’s conflict with ABC, had been shown as me being a party to the attack. I told the situation of the sms. The committee seemed slightly convinced. Then I was counter questioned. One of them being, why was “not very social” XYZ my friend?
XYZ wasn’t something that we call “friends”. He was a college-mate after school, and the cousin of my best friend. Only reason why I messaged to him that day was, he had good contacts. I thought he knew ABC as they were of same batch and locality. Moreover, he turned anti-social very recently, much after I knew him. Committee convinced. Then was the question, why did I lie initially that I didn’t recognize XYZ?
This is India. The term “friend” between opposite gender is considered fishy and moreover, XYZ wasn’t a “very social” human, my friendship with him might have concluded a question on my character. I fear only one thing in my life, defame. Committee convinced.
After one hour of the meeting, came in my friend’s parents. They had no clue of the issue. They were explained. Even they didn’t know where their daughter lived, college hostel or private…and where?! How could parents be so ignorant? The most important question was that, where is she? Why hadn’t she come? Even her parents didn’t have an answer to this question.
The meeting continued, now I was sitting silently, so were ABC and team…it was only the committee that spoke and my friend’s parents that answered, trying not to bring out the truth that…
After sometimes it came out. My friend had sent the goons to thrash this ABC, who had named me, as their sister! My friend had framed me…I was hurt. I was the one who stood by her in every circumstance. She ditched me to save her face. She had the grudge of her fight with this guy. So vindictive! The meeting was over, all was normal. All had a very pleasant expression on seeing me. I apologized for giving the phone number without confirmation. The ABC guy apologized for his last day’s deeds. My friend wasn’t there.
This guy had no basic importance in my life, that he even existed wasn’t important to me. But, I hate him today…for spoiling my reputation and inducing the frustration and fear of limelight in me. The once very jovial and outspoken Aly, got silent all of a sudden. I hate this guy, I will never harm him, I am not vindictive…nor will I be happy if he is in pain or sad if he is happy…I just don’t want to see his bloody face ever in my life. He had no right to spoil my peace of mind and ruin my position at my college. I could have filed it against him for any sort of exploitation, but I didn’t…I am not him. The committee “ordered” me to be selfish.
We had a long vacation after that day, it was a festive occasion. That very night I received a message from my friend, “you have not done good, I hadn’t expected this from you. Though I haven’t done anything, but in front of my parents you proved me the main reason of all that. Remember, you will suffer one day for this”…it was my friend. Was she really innocent then? What does that last line indicate? Was that a threat…or a sufferer’s curse? Was she also framed like me? Too many questions. The next day I forwarded the sms to the “very known face” of college. He called me back, said, “be careful, she is dangerous.”
It wasn’t the first time that she had sent some goons; it was the third time…as it was said in the meeting. Those guys along with XYZ were sent by her. It was led by her brother. XYZ was unknown about the fact, for which he was going, he was summoned for the war, and without conformations, he gushed into the war…later realized I was going to be framed, but to save himself from his own troop, he kept silent. Two friends ditched me at the same day. Why was I the prey?
Why factor is not only about me. Its about all of us. The world has many mysteries; one of them is our destiny. Does it really exist? If it does, who has penned it down? Why did that factor decide it to be so idiotic and unjust? A very confused mind that I have!
Every great incident comes back to normal. So did my BIG day! Soon my friend started behaving normal to me. I almost forgot the sms. Vacations got over. Life was back to track. A scar still existed, but I pretended as if all was normal. Every human was normal to me too…life continued…but one thing that nobody knew was the crank calls I received. The worst of slang and threats one could ever hear. They said she was their sister; I had no right to stand a witness to her deeds. I remembered, I was the one who told that she had plans of sending her brother to threaten that guy. I decided to avoid the calls.
After almost a month of that incident, I suddenly started meeting with suspicious accidents. I call them suspicious because, it was the same car that did it…always. 24 accidents in 40days, same car, my timing, is it normal? The callers called me to lonely places assuring that I shan’t ever be harmed after that, of course I didn’t go. Many doubts, many brood overs…finally reached a conclusion of involving some cronies into my spree. They did accept my plan. The driver was held and asked certain questions in cordial accents. He did speak up, unknowingly though! It was her…
Why did she do this to me? Was this matter so serious that she was after my life now? I still believed we could be friends…but one day she crossed the limit, on the day of an important semester, I had a fracture…it was my right hand. I had two more papers to write. This was the end to my forbearance, I finally informed to my father.
My father is a very gentle and kind human until…his family is happy. When we are in trouble without a fault, he will eliminate any such element that is the cause of our tensions. He lodged an FIR. My friend didn’t appear for the last two exams after the police came into action…why?
I did write my papers with the painful right hand. Could never complete in time. Post semesters, life was normal and happy. The driver was jailed. No more calls. My friend was normal. She finally realized what she was doing. I gave her the second chance in my life. If she apologized, I would instantly forgive her and we shall be friends again. At many phases of life, we have committed many mistakes, these are just teen age instances, which shall prove our matured state of mind only after we realize the mistakes and learn to forgive those. I still had the weakness for my friend…for the sake of our one and half year old friendship, I was friends to her. We never uttered anything about that BIG day or any such incident following it. Let bygones be bygones, a new life from the New Year.
Whatever happened was without reason. Sometimes we are allowing our temper rule and ruin us! The day we are able to triumph over it, we shall be super humans! We understand everything, but why do we stand on our heads at the hour of need?
This time we were some seniors in our college. Past was forgotten, life had more to come. Politics ruled the arena. Hardly ever did we study for the internals. It was the first internal of that semester. I rarely stared at my books, was busy with some paper presentation stuff, I guess. I was on the way to college on my two wheeler, I was attacked. For the first time in life I wore a helmet, it saved my head…always listen to your mom! But, it also prevented me from seeing the attacker…it was just an accident. It had no relation with the other matter. That’s a dead matter now, I thought.
It wasn’t. All three days of the internal, I was attacked…all evenings. Couldn’t see the face. My friend wasn’t eligible for the exam due to lack of attendance, yet she came, to see my wounds. She asked me, if I was hurt on the head or not! Why did she start again? I was trying my best to forget and forgive, but this has to be mutual…
The rest two days, I had small injuries, left with a scar on my face. I don’t like scars on my face, another FIR. Soon, all that stopped. The scar was on its way to recover, when she once joked, “Your scar is beautiful. Wait, I will arrange to deepen it”. Why again?
Sometimes we joked, sometimes we talked, as normal as ever, she suddenly yelled about my nose, “hope you get it cut in another accident”
It wasn’t a difficult task, I have a real big nose!
The police were in action, all is silent now. I don’t know for how long…but if it affects me such, I can’t really arrange goons, but I will MYSELF thrash this lass one day…and this time, no fear of consequences and that ABC team. I hold in my aggression only because whatever I do, my father’s name will be affected, but, there is always a limit to longanimity.
My question still remains…why did all this happen? This incident brought in a series of realities and mysteries and studded in me, the fear to speak up…
[To be contd…]
Living life away from limelight wasn’t very easy for me, but I coaxed myself to get accustomed to it. I resigned from the position of class representative. I quit participating in any thing. Honestly, I didn’t like to live the normal life. But then, I challenged to myself, if others can live, why can’t I?
I wasn’t the greatest sufferer in this world. There were more, in the same plight, yet too jovial to live a life of ease. I had much to learn from them.
“When dare and fear goes together, even your shadow turns your contender”
Sometimes, I love to pen down quotes, they work well for me. My parents have been my greatest supporters, but who did know, that normal accusations had turned into life threatening wars? This was the first thing I hid from my parents. Nana was out of station, and Bou [my mom] should better never come to know of this.
Aggression had always been the lone flaw in my character, next being blunt. I tried working on them, may be they shall help me recover from the damage already done to my soul!
From then onwards my folks realized a great change in me…calmness. I must confess, it really worked. That was the reason, how my decisions came out perfect! People said “you are different”, affirmative!
My college life was healthy until the blackness of politics ruined them. I hadn’t yet learnt to be diplomatic, when I realized a shrewd politician in my own proximity. I remembered I was ordered to be selfish, but the human under target was a father figure…someone well respected and looked upon in all occasions. Why was he the target now? How do I reveal the truth? I was caught in the catch 22 situation. Both the sides are mine; helping one shall be ditching the other. My father came to my rescue.
The first option given was, tolerate all that silently. I obeyed. I failed. My dad understood it, this is his blood! He shot the next option; stand for the Right, no matter what. Standing for the right was a difficult task, when the wrong is powerful and the right has no guarantee to accept the truth. The target and I had some differences of opinion few days back. There was no guarantee that my words are going to be accepted by him. In that case, dad told, do your duty and remain silent.
The target was a teacher, very fond of me, and vice versa. Anyone who behaves like my dad is a good human, so was this man! Life was good until I received negative feedbacks about him…in the sense of lies. When I am lied at, the so called respected human, turns a devil. This is what had happened between us. There were no arguments, but the teacher had come to know of my resentments and so, a broad line of distance between us.
If he had lied, then it’s his lookout. My job is to inform him of the dangers before things get worse. Whether I am believed or not, is his business…dad advised.
My dad, he is damn broad minded and sensible. Love you dad! Finally, one Sunday, I tried to call him up. He had a very comforting voice over the phone. I had made more of distances; I gave some points regarding the politics going on. There was a startled reaction from the other side. He had some of the hints, but unsure if they were true. After my information, he seemed worried. I got into the comfort zone of talking to him. I decided to get more into the matter and get all details.
I knew I was again going into the puddle…but I still didn’t change. Somehow people snub me, “when thousands of National Heroes died, Aly was born!” I don’t mind hearing that.
I haven’t earned many “true” friends in life, many ditched me at the nick of moment, and so I am, today, used to expecting the betrayals. But, yet, some are there, as well wishers. I did ask them to help me get the information. One of them really helped me out in this. The channel of politics was more underneath than I had ever imagined it to be. The mastermind was shrewd, astute and powerful… lastly, someone close to the “target”. The initiation was from my own batch and class, the branches spread like the malignant cells. Now, was it possible that the target would really believe me in this? Another issue… another accusation… parents will be called… defame… tension… again! Then I thought, why the hell should I ponder over someone else’s matter? How does that help me? Does it really matter to me? Why should I give it a damn?
I kept quiet. No more calls, no more contacts. I have two more years to spend in this college; I want to get rid of it smiling peacefully, not like getting rid of some tensions!
[To be contd…]
Days passed by, it was the season of our fresher’s party. I was important for the occasion of doing the presentation of the whole of my college, hence highlighting my branch. Difficult job, lots of work, we had more planning like the programmes and events to be planned, the anchoring and stuffs!! There I had a very startling experience. When the listing of the faculty members to be called was done, at the utterance of the name of that particular teacher, I heard the so called she-gossipers whisper, “how can we call the class splitter?” I was staring at them dumber than the idiots of heaven, what did she say? Class splitter? How?
I thought of asking them directly, but, they won’t speak up because “I” am asking! Why the hell am I destined for these complexions? Of course my investigative mind did evoke my brain! I was back! Sometimes I wonder, why my friends tease me by Mother Teresa’s name! I got my answer too.
I finally called the teacher up. I told him the details… the mastermind, the initiation. I spoke constantly for 15mins, no pause, no chance for him to speak up. I finished with the conclusion that he HAS TO believe me!
He said, he somehow knew about the mastermind. Hmm… I could understand the situation, when friends betray…
My job was done. But the matter wasn’t hidden. The she-gossipers came to know about it. They had to somehow prove me a villain in the class, so that the matter gets subsided. I was accused of being the teacher’s pet. I was glad, yet angry. Having been accused so much and so seriously, I was a kind of “indifferent” to what people told about me now! I kept on hearing their snubs. My aim was to inform the “target” about the dangers around him. So, now this was his headache. I must stay away…but, can I really do that? Huh! I am considered as the most balanced human in my gang. This was like a test…I had to prove it. My class Vs. My teacher, who do I choose?
Two days prior to the welcome bash, my chums informed about a so called conspiracy, against the same “target”… they would attack him. There was a sudden reminder into my grey cells. “attack”, I remember having tried to save an “attack” on that idiot senior who in turn, “attacked” my peace of mind forever. How would this teacher respond? A physical attack, no matter how deep is the wrath, is a complete dismissal under my ideologies. Yes! I have to save my teacher!
They needed me in this. I shouldn’t boast, but that’s the fact! I remember, a year ago, these humans were after this particular “target” and finally they got rid of his classes by a single complaint. They had a gall with my support towards this side, that time. I was again, daring the fires. May be I hadn’t been so interested if he weren’t corresponding to my Nana. Why are daughters so damn senti? Ehh…my “why”!
This time I had to be bolder. All my friends backed out. Nobody seemed worried about this. One of them did help me with an idea. I “threatened” them, I shall not cooperate in this, nor will I participate in the programmes. They will go spineless, I was sure. It was just 2 days away. They still had the power to oust me. So I continued, I will complain to the authority. Now what?
Huh, “Aly, the villain!!”
Nana always taught me, if you don’t want to do something, kick it off. But if you are keen to work on something, accomplish it at any cost. I was keen to save him. I had to do it, by hook or by crook. They called me “traitor”, I was somewhat betraying my class, but I was right, Nana said. They tried to convince me to swap sides. I am at times too obstinate. I had only one condition, this “target” will not be touched, that’s it! I knew I wasn’t that strong to deal with so many guys and I was sure, nobody will come for my rescue. There was a lot of ambiguity in my mind. Another bloody catch 22 situation…
Finally, after a long discussion, one of the representatives came to me and said, they wanted to interrogate him. I said I’ll stand by. No brawns. Engineering brats, man! They drink. I am really scared of those. Gawd knows how I collected these guts! They agreed.
Luck had never prevailed in my case, but for this time. The “target” got peaked with fever. I can’t explain how glad I was after realizing his absence. I knew I couldn’t handle it, if things got chaotic and violent. I was petrified throughout. My sigh of relief was my “thums up”!!
That very evening, on my way back home, I planned to inform everything to the teacher before things are out of my control and stupid “threats” to the “over-manly” teenagers turn futile. I had a constant smile on my face that time. Felt triumphant. I decided to wait for a couple of days until he recovered…but, as I said, luck had never prevailed in my case... This time I fell ill!
[To be contd…]
Illness is a very general term, liver failure, to be specific. I don’t remember to have ever boozed up in life. I am addicted to black coffee, soda [thums up] and chillis…bloody culprits! Liver failure means…my liver wasn’t working! Things started with high fever of around 105-106F, it was normal for me whenever I was struck with viral fever, so I was given medicines accordingly. But, does viral fever give rise to blood vomits? Yeah, I did have them. This led to the final diagnosis. Gosh! I was such a foodie! How do I survive without spices? Why did I have this liver malady? The millions of drunkards in this universe would have been a better choice! Spare me!
Life was still easy until my real treatment started. Boyey! I was hospitalized. I hate hospitals. They stink. I was admitted. I don’t remember how many pricks I had, but they were no less a thousand, to be candid and honest. Water from liver accumulated all over body, it had to be removed by “piercing” needle into my goddamn liver! Well, the needle wasn’t very thin. It did pain! Blood cells ruptured like balloons. Hemoglobin count reduced, it was 4. WBC increased to the highest extreme, I don’t really remember the value! Slowly I was sinking. I didn’t expect myself to be in such a horrible situation. I falling so sick, people visiting me…sounds idiotic, but it did happen and I was helpless this time. Nana was helpless too, for the first time. He assured me that I shall recover, really soon. I trust him. He is someone who can drag me out of any situation. I was sure he’ll do something for me.
I was missing from my college. I informed them that I had jaundice. Needless to say, the “target” teacher was worried too! I had a task of his pending. I asked my contacts to help him out. Since then I was in a different world, the world of darkness and solitude, with the family praying and me fighting, against myself. In those initial days, I took things very easily. Later when the treatments started, I realized what is “pain”, piercing needles into the liver and re-piercing at the same location to confirm the channel…searching for the veins, had never heard of taking saline in the legs, until I experienced it. After some 25days, I was better. I was discharged, but ordered for complete bed rest until one more month. I was stable. Lying on the bed, and doing nothing was impossible for me. I decided to go to college and give my leave application to the principal. Doctor had recommended to avoid keeping liver in vertical position. i had to disobey that for a day. I went to college with an injection at the neck…huh! It’s meant to increase metabolism. I met the principal and all my lecturers. Everybody cooperated. It was a happy day, April 8th, exactly a month after the welcome bash. My countenance had completely changed. I had lost a lot of weight, looked unrecognizable. I didn’t want any sympathy. I tried to be normal, liver did ache.
The injection at the neck had side effects, affects the liver again! Another series of blood vomits, from 10th April to 24th May, I was lying in the hospital… doing nothing. They sometimes allowed my lappy. I did create a lot of tantrums and nuisances. I hated that place. It was very very dark. I feared that darkness. It smelt like corpses. I felt as if some fiery deadly devil will drag me to hell from there. I don’t deserve the hell. All I had to do is, wait, until my liver responded to the treatments. I was kept sedated almost everytime. I still don’t remember some seven days of my life. I remember faintly, my bou’s face, they kept her away from me. I remember Nana’s confident approach, that his Lisly has a long way to go before the final sleep. I knew I will live…actually, I didn’t know if I would! I had never been so negative in my life. When liver ached, it destroyed all my hopes…
Well, there was an adder to this… my friends. How would you feel when you are stuck to bed and people ridicule you, tease you, curse you denoting you as a loser, bed ridden, useless, burden, incapable, disable…etc etc…yes, my friends! That was the worst phase of mine. I had no one to tell this or show the smses. If I showed it to Nana, he’d charge at those cretins and inform their families and a big issue. I think I had learnt to be patient and steady. I wanted to wait until I recovered. I was confident, I will get rid of that place, my Nana was always there with his arms wide. Wait…a painful short term! I swore I would chuck those kiddos, just let me recover.
The best way to avenge is to attack in the weakest moment. They did it. I was mentally attacked and weakened, because once, I had prevented an “attack” on a “target”…I had never thought that will haunt back to my life again. At this stage when I was debating with life and death, I was accused of supporting a wrong soul. I knew what I did was right. I had to save him, so I did it. Now, I have to save myself, I was doing it.
One day, things changed drastically. I was given reasons of their resentment and how I was wrong in my action. The “target” was a bad soul. Father aged men, I believe, are always good and someone resembling or corresponding to my Nana, has to be as perfect as him…this notion got washed away, in the fraction of a second. The one I saved was infact longing for my destruction! There’s another flashback to it…
It was the time when I was fighting with that bloody car of accidents. After a severe one, I had to inform some of my closest buddies about them. We had to find out the informer from my college. It surely was an insider as my varied timings were known to the driver, so were my locations. After many discussions and plus and minuses, we realized it could be a lecturer. We started discussing the possible ones. I must confess, I had no doubt on anyone. This informer had to be close to me, and aware of my movements and temperaments, a human quite good with me, and someone I trust…possible him…the “target”…
Yeah, I agree, it was really stupid of me. I doubted on the human I believed the most…I had to. But, I didn’t give in to my false beliefs so easily. I wanted to face him and ask it. Honestly, he had no reason to do it…but it isn’t difficult to dig them out.
I asked him directly, he proved himself. I was rude, I gave my reasons, he admonished them easily. All my accusations came out to be baseless. I was happy that I lost there. I just told myself, Nana-like humans are always good! I was readily forgiven. Since then, I felt indebted to this human, so I was determined to save him “by hook or by crook”…and I did it…but, what was I hearing now? He’s still holding the grudge?! Can someone be so vindictive? Since that incident, he is someone who hated me like anything. I had sinned; I agree…but then, was it worth keeping the grudge for 6-7months to the extent of wanting my cessation? Can somebody want other’s death as a mode of revenge?
I thought I was kiddish in that action, I felt I was forgiven and both of us had forgotten everything. He hadn’t. He always wanted this day to come, when I am helpless, down and low. He won, again! Really, Nana-like humans needn’t be as good as him always, Nana is only one, he is the best! The so called “target” was too normal and caring towards me. I could never get a clue of his resentment towards me. Thanks to my friends! So…I had wronged, I supported the wrong, against my own class! I was disloyal…
My exam schedule was another headache; they wouldn’t discharge me for it. Moreover, I was getting frustrated with regular updates of this human’s “revenge” against me and his “deeds” in college. Men who can’t respect women are eunuchs.
[to be contd…]
"Why?"...an entity that we ponder over...every time. I have never got an answer to it. Does it conclude that there's no solution?I was taught "everything has a solution", so does our cognition. But have we changed yet? If the early men fought for lives, we fight for tribes, only deviation being the "awareness" that they lacked. Literally, we don’t know where exactly we are heading to!
A war is never a solution to anything. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, and a hand for a hand makes it defunct! You might question, what's wrong with me...why am I turning so mawkish? You still have the "why", huh! Some incidents really prove our true senses.
Jokes apart. No one has got the right to beat up another human. I saw it before my eyes. I couldn’t do anything. They didn’t allow me move to the victim. It was a friend. "Friend"-someone who stands by you through thick and thin. I couldn’t prove a friend that time. So many confusions...if I move in, the whole world will pounce upon me. If I don’t, I can never forgive myself. "Let’s take the challenge", I thought.
Injustice is something which can’t be tolerated at any cost. I shouted at them to stop, I almost moved in...There held someone by my hand, and pulled me back. I was told, "Never interfere"
Interference? Helping a friend being beaten unjustly, is interference? May be! I held back my aggression and vanished. I wasn’t a coward. Logically, it was interference and if I interfered...I mean "I" interfered, things would have gone really BIG. That was a "friend's" hand to pull me back.
The whole day I kept on wondering, what's the solution to this? Why does a mole hill turn a mountain? Why is aggression the cessation to everything? There were about 200 of us, closed in a room along with the victim. I had no clue of the story. All I knew was that, injustice prevailed when the friend was thrashed.
Why wasn’t anything in my hands? Why was the deciding factor so very conscious? Why isn’t everything black and white...why does the gray exist? I sometimes stared at the prey, the eyes asked for mercy..."stop it all of you...don’t dupe me here, please"
But, the "all" were not going to stop. Some had the advantage of pastime, while some enjoyed the play. Some even loved the knotty situation. I could only gesture "don’t worry, everything's gonna be fine"...but I couldn’t add "am there"...I wasn’t really there...nor was I dead. I was just selfish, needing say, all 200 of us were...but the fact still remains I WAS!
You can’t clap with one hand...both sides are at fault...but the ultimate sufferer is the "innocents"...that's again, INJUSTICE! Why does injustice exist? Why isn’t everything as normal as humanity is meant to be? Sometimes we meet humans who make a lot of difference in our lives, positively or negatively. Why do such incidents exist?
[To be contd…]
It was the Friday morning that can never be forgotten. A sunny day, I was normally gushing through my notes to appear for my internals. The bus stopped. We got down. I was engrossed with my physics book, so much that I had no trace of the 180 guys standing in front of me. They said they waited for me. Amidst them stood a friend, she was innocently staring at me. “You finally put us in trouble”, my eyes told her. I reached to her. She told me that she was innocent. One of the guys stared at me with his huge eyes. I saw him for the first time, so this was him! A very important guy of my life…the ABC. He was attacked some day, and I was the co-accused. My friend told she didn’t name me, I trusted her. The one hundred and eighty were yelling at me! I could simply say, “Why should I do it?” they said, “You did it” no one had the justification to it. It was an agitated mob; I decided to keep my cool until I find a way. There was a power-girl. The daughter of someone important, she was a chum to this guy, “kneel down here”, and my friend was told. She then stared at me, “kneel down both of you”. “I won’t” I said.
I was somehow convinced that my loyalty had paid me this price. Friendship versus truth, whom do I choose? That my friend was a culprit, I was sure, but why I was embroiled, was the answer I wanted. Parents taught me, always stand for the right, I tried so! This time the right was standing at the cost of my friendship. Parents had also taught me; always stand by your friends in thick and thin, so I did. She needed me; I stood by her, unknowing the fact, how deep this matter was. If I have made her my friend, MY FRIEND can never go wrong!
Soon, the officials came for the rescue. I quietly asked them, “Sir, what has happened?” they told me to remain silent and follow them. My friend was there with me. “Don’t worry, we are innocent, we shall soon be out of this problem”, I told her. Family status, father’s name, there is nothing that counted more to me then these. Today when I am the co-accused, I am into the states of criminal affairs, a big drawback to my family name…how can I be the reason to something so insulting? My father expects so much from me, how do I face him? Would he believe me when I say I am innocent? Will the officials and management believe me? How do I prove myself? Should I leave this friend and prove myself? Why did I get into this matter, when I am completely innocent? Man! The WHY!!
I decided to stand by her, she was innocent too! We shall both come out of this together. I tried not to cry, they shall consider me weak and I am not! She was silent…so silent that it forced me to ask her what the truth was. She did have a wild argument with that chap, some days back. But, I was sure this wasn’t the reason to attack someone, at least my friend shan’t do this. We were kept secluded from the mob. I told my breath, “I can never be a reason for the downfall of my family name”. After an hour, there came a known face, a much known face, which I had been expecting. I still tried to prevent the drops, this time I failed. He told me to be calm. My friend was interrogated, she said she had no idea…I supported her.
Finally, we were taken to the mob, which had shrunk to about ten now. The important chap was still there. After many cross questions, I realized things are much to the core. I was innocent, but along with the blissful ignorance, I was indirectly involved! The XYZ, whom I had helped by giving a mere mobile number of this “important” ABC chap, had framed me into this!
This was about a fortnight ago; my friend had a fight with some seniors involving this “important” chap, due to some mere argument. The matter grew so large that, my friend cried bitterly in front of me, fearing any sort of vengeance from the seniors. To know how deadly the seniors were, I made a simple sms to XYZ asking if the matter shall be harmful to my friend. It was “do you know ABC?” He replied, such matters are normal in engineering life and my friend will be in a normal atmosphere by the next day. My frightened friend told me that she’d tell her brother to threaten this ABC. I told her what XYZ had told me, and also added that the matter should not be approached in an illegal manner. I thought she was convinced.
Things really got normal. Suddenly, after a week of that incident, XYZ had called me up asking me ABC’s number. Now, as per my knowledge, XYZ wasn’t a very pro-social human, I insisted on knowing the reason…the reply was, “he is my childhood buddy, just wanna grow contact.” Parents had always taught me, help others! I did search for his number, openly asking his friends. Finally, got it. The moment I gave XYZ the number, the reply was “he’s gone”. I was stunned, dumb and startled. I was double crossed. I begged upon him not to harm ABC, as he knew I had been asking for his number. XYZ understood my trauma, and decided not to do anything immoral. On asking for the reason of the grudge, I found no reply.
Another week passed, it was my dad’s birthday. The first day of internals. I was on my way, when I got a call from XYZ, saying that he is in front of my college. I felt the earth slipped down my feet, why is he here? He told me not to interfere and get inside without even recognizing him. Why should I not recognize him? Is he really meaning what he had told me…? “He’s gone”… why does he want to affect ABC? If ABC and team come to know I had given his number, they shall never believe that I was unknown about any serious action. So, I followed XYZ’s instruction and went inside without even staring at him. The day was normal. I thought the matter wasn’t serious, thank gawd!
Late that night, I was chatting with some of my friends when one of the seniors informed to me that my “brother” had come to college, to “thrash” ABC, because “I” had “sent” him. I have no brother, mind you! The senior informed, his name was XYZ!!! I called up XYZ, he lied to me that nothing had happened, and he just spoke to his childhood friend. The next day was a holiday. I thought the matter shall get subsided by then. But it didn’t, the BIG day was yet to come…the 180 guys!
Back to the day of confrontation, when I could co-relate all incidents beginning from the mere argument of my friend to the XYZ and cell number, I realized, my friend wasn’t a friend! It was her, the mastermind. Until then I had been lying that I didn’t know XYZ, but now I spoke up. All incidents, including the fact that my friend had once told me about sending her brother to threaten this chap…ABC. The management wanted time to research on the topic, and decided to make the verdict, on the next day, before our parents. It would be the management jury, my friend and her parents, ABC and his parents and me and my parents. That was better, I thought. My mom knew much of it, she knows everything about me. So, she can help me prove my innocence. My friend wasn’t happy. She cried. The cry of guilt, to be specific. Now I was sure of her deeds.
At home, I lived a life of frustration for the next 17hrs. Why didn’t they submit the verdict that time? Why do I have to wait? Wait is so damn painful! My parents were quite disturbed with this. Never had such an issue been raised in my family. To be frank, it was a criminal issue! Why me?
The D day finally shot in. I don’t think I had ever taken any food since then. All I knew was I had to give my best in this exam of life and prove, that I am ME. The world can turn upside down, but Aly…she can never go wrong, I believe. We reached the campus, it was a holiday…the world seemed silent and I had to prove my existence as white. I had nothing more than a faith that the “right” always triumphs. The time given was 1300hrs. It was already 50mins past the target, we were patiently sitting, waiting for the management to call us into the principal’s room. My teachers stared at me with those suspicious eyes that accused me for a crime I can never dream of. Only one of them smiled at me, the only assurance that I got, that someone trusts me. My mother was more hurt than angry, that we had to see this day for my foolishness.
Will they believe my incident? Would they understand that I had no ill intentions but to help someone positively by giving that number? Finally, my parents were called in. I found ABC with his father, but no trace of my friend or her family. I still thought that I should remind her that we had this meeting, but I stopped myself…a single step can put me into more deadly troubles.
After 10-15mins I was called in. ABC entered inside too. By then, I hated this guy more than anything else in this world. The meeting started with the management chiding at this fellow for illegally cordoning two girls inside the campus, without any proof. I was not happy by that, the damage was already done. The committee consisted of many known lecturers, the principal and some officials. I was asked the story. I told my part of it. The sms I had done to XYZ on the day of my friend’s conflict with ABC, had been shown as me being a party to the attack. I told the situation of the sms. The committee seemed slightly convinced. Then I was counter questioned. One of them being, why was “not very social” XYZ my friend?
XYZ wasn’t something that we call “friends”. He was a college-mate after school, and the cousin of my best friend. Only reason why I messaged to him that day was, he had good contacts. I thought he knew ABC as they were of same batch and locality. Moreover, he turned anti-social very recently, much after I knew him. Committee convinced. Then was the question, why did I lie initially that I didn’t recognize XYZ?
This is India. The term “friend” between opposite gender is considered fishy and moreover, XYZ wasn’t a “very social” human, my friendship with him might have concluded a question on my character. I fear only one thing in my life, defame. Committee convinced.
After one hour of the meeting, came in my friend’s parents. They had no clue of the issue. They were explained. Even they didn’t know where their daughter lived, college hostel or private…and where?! How could parents be so ignorant? The most important question was that, where is she? Why hadn’t she come? Even her parents didn’t have an answer to this question.
The meeting continued, now I was sitting silently, so were ABC and team…it was only the committee that spoke and my friend’s parents that answered, trying not to bring out the truth that…
After sometimes it came out. My friend had sent the goons to thrash this ABC, who had named me, as their sister! My friend had framed me…I was hurt. I was the one who stood by her in every circumstance. She ditched me to save her face. She had the grudge of her fight with this guy. So vindictive! The meeting was over, all was normal. All had a very pleasant expression on seeing me. I apologized for giving the phone number without confirmation. The ABC guy apologized for his last day’s deeds. My friend wasn’t there.
This guy had no basic importance in my life, that he even existed wasn’t important to me. But, I hate him today…for spoiling my reputation and inducing the frustration and fear of limelight in me. The once very jovial and outspoken Aly, got silent all of a sudden. I hate this guy, I will never harm him, I am not vindictive…nor will I be happy if he is in pain or sad if he is happy…I just don’t want to see his bloody face ever in my life. He had no right to spoil my peace of mind and ruin my position at my college. I could have filed it against him for any sort of exploitation, but I didn’t…I am not him. The committee “ordered” me to be selfish.
We had a long vacation after that day, it was a festive occasion. That very night I received a message from my friend, “you have not done good, I hadn’t expected this from you. Though I haven’t done anything, but in front of my parents you proved me the main reason of all that. Remember, you will suffer one day for this”…it was my friend. Was she really innocent then? What does that last line indicate? Was that a threat…or a sufferer’s curse? Was she also framed like me? Too many questions. The next day I forwarded the sms to the “very known face” of college. He called me back, said, “be careful, she is dangerous.”
It wasn’t the first time that she had sent some goons; it was the third time…as it was said in the meeting. Those guys along with XYZ were sent by her. It was led by her brother. XYZ was unknown about the fact, for which he was going, he was summoned for the war, and without conformations, he gushed into the war…later realized I was going to be framed, but to save himself from his own troop, he kept silent. Two friends ditched me at the same day. Why was I the prey?
Why factor is not only about me. Its about all of us. The world has many mysteries; one of them is our destiny. Does it really exist? If it does, who has penned it down? Why did that factor decide it to be so idiotic and unjust? A very confused mind that I have!
Every great incident comes back to normal. So did my BIG day! Soon my friend started behaving normal to me. I almost forgot the sms. Vacations got over. Life was back to track. A scar still existed, but I pretended as if all was normal. Every human was normal to me too…life continued…but one thing that nobody knew was the crank calls I received. The worst of slang and threats one could ever hear. They said she was their sister; I had no right to stand a witness to her deeds. I remembered, I was the one who told that she had plans of sending her brother to threaten that guy. I decided to avoid the calls.
After almost a month of that incident, I suddenly started meeting with suspicious accidents. I call them suspicious because, it was the same car that did it…always. 24 accidents in 40days, same car, my timing, is it normal? The callers called me to lonely places assuring that I shan’t ever be harmed after that, of course I didn’t go. Many doubts, many brood overs…finally reached a conclusion of involving some cronies into my spree. They did accept my plan. The driver was held and asked certain questions in cordial accents. He did speak up, unknowingly though! It was her…
Why did she do this to me? Was this matter so serious that she was after my life now? I still believed we could be friends…but one day she crossed the limit, on the day of an important semester, I had a fracture…it was my right hand. I had two more papers to write. This was the end to my forbearance, I finally informed to my father.
My father is a very gentle and kind human until…his family is happy. When we are in trouble without a fault, he will eliminate any such element that is the cause of our tensions. He lodged an FIR. My friend didn’t appear for the last two exams after the police came into action…why?
I did write my papers with the painful right hand. Could never complete in time. Post semesters, life was normal and happy. The driver was jailed. No more calls. My friend was normal. She finally realized what she was doing. I gave her the second chance in my life. If she apologized, I would instantly forgive her and we shall be friends again. At many phases of life, we have committed many mistakes, these are just teen age instances, which shall prove our matured state of mind only after we realize the mistakes and learn to forgive those. I still had the weakness for my friend…for the sake of our one and half year old friendship, I was friends to her. We never uttered anything about that BIG day or any such incident following it. Let bygones be bygones, a new life from the New Year.
Whatever happened was without reason. Sometimes we are allowing our temper rule and ruin us! The day we are able to triumph over it, we shall be super humans! We understand everything, but why do we stand on our heads at the hour of need?
This time we were some seniors in our college. Past was forgotten, life had more to come. Politics ruled the arena. Hardly ever did we study for the internals. It was the first internal of that semester. I rarely stared at my books, was busy with some paper presentation stuff, I guess. I was on the way to college on my two wheeler, I was attacked. For the first time in life I wore a helmet, it saved my head…always listen to your mom! But, it also prevented me from seeing the attacker…it was just an accident. It had no relation with the other matter. That’s a dead matter now, I thought.
It wasn’t. All three days of the internal, I was attacked…all evenings. Couldn’t see the face. My friend wasn’t eligible for the exam due to lack of attendance, yet she came, to see my wounds. She asked me, if I was hurt on the head or not! Why did she start again? I was trying my best to forget and forgive, but this has to be mutual…
The rest two days, I had small injuries, left with a scar on my face. I don’t like scars on my face, another FIR. Soon, all that stopped. The scar was on its way to recover, when she once joked, “Your scar is beautiful. Wait, I will arrange to deepen it”. Why again?
Sometimes we joked, sometimes we talked, as normal as ever, she suddenly yelled about my nose, “hope you get it cut in another accident”
It wasn’t a difficult task, I have a real big nose!
The police were in action, all is silent now. I don’t know for how long…but if it affects me such, I can’t really arrange goons, but I will MYSELF thrash this lass one day…and this time, no fear of consequences and that ABC team. I hold in my aggression only because whatever I do, my father’s name will be affected, but, there is always a limit to longanimity.
My question still remains…why did all this happen? This incident brought in a series of realities and mysteries and studded in me, the fear to speak up…
[To be contd…]
Living life away from limelight wasn’t very easy for me, but I coaxed myself to get accustomed to it. I resigned from the position of class representative. I quit participating in any thing. Honestly, I didn’t like to live the normal life. But then, I challenged to myself, if others can live, why can’t I?
I wasn’t the greatest sufferer in this world. There were more, in the same plight, yet too jovial to live a life of ease. I had much to learn from them.
“When dare and fear goes together, even your shadow turns your contender”
Sometimes, I love to pen down quotes, they work well for me. My parents have been my greatest supporters, but who did know, that normal accusations had turned into life threatening wars? This was the first thing I hid from my parents. Nana was out of station, and Bou [my mom] should better never come to know of this.
Aggression had always been the lone flaw in my character, next being blunt. I tried working on them, may be they shall help me recover from the damage already done to my soul!
From then onwards my folks realized a great change in me…calmness. I must confess, it really worked. That was the reason, how my decisions came out perfect! People said “you are different”, affirmative!
My college life was healthy until the blackness of politics ruined them. I hadn’t yet learnt to be diplomatic, when I realized a shrewd politician in my own proximity. I remembered I was ordered to be selfish, but the human under target was a father figure…someone well respected and looked upon in all occasions. Why was he the target now? How do I reveal the truth? I was caught in the catch 22 situation. Both the sides are mine; helping one shall be ditching the other. My father came to my rescue.
The first option given was, tolerate all that silently. I obeyed. I failed. My dad understood it, this is his blood! He shot the next option; stand for the Right, no matter what. Standing for the right was a difficult task, when the wrong is powerful and the right has no guarantee to accept the truth. The target and I had some differences of opinion few days back. There was no guarantee that my words are going to be accepted by him. In that case, dad told, do your duty and remain silent.
The target was a teacher, very fond of me, and vice versa. Anyone who behaves like my dad is a good human, so was this man! Life was good until I received negative feedbacks about him…in the sense of lies. When I am lied at, the so called respected human, turns a devil. This is what had happened between us. There were no arguments, but the teacher had come to know of my resentments and so, a broad line of distance between us.
If he had lied, then it’s his lookout. My job is to inform him of the dangers before things get worse. Whether I am believed or not, is his business…dad advised.
My dad, he is damn broad minded and sensible. Love you dad! Finally, one Sunday, I tried to call him up. He had a very comforting voice over the phone. I had made more of distances; I gave some points regarding the politics going on. There was a startled reaction from the other side. He had some of the hints, but unsure if they were true. After my information, he seemed worried. I got into the comfort zone of talking to him. I decided to get more into the matter and get all details.
I knew I was again going into the puddle…but I still didn’t change. Somehow people snub me, “when thousands of National Heroes died, Aly was born!” I don’t mind hearing that.
I haven’t earned many “true” friends in life, many ditched me at the nick of moment, and so I am, today, used to expecting the betrayals. But, yet, some are there, as well wishers. I did ask them to help me get the information. One of them really helped me out in this. The channel of politics was more underneath than I had ever imagined it to be. The mastermind was shrewd, astute and powerful… lastly, someone close to the “target”. The initiation was from my own batch and class, the branches spread like the malignant cells. Now, was it possible that the target would really believe me in this? Another issue… another accusation… parents will be called… defame… tension… again! Then I thought, why the hell should I ponder over someone else’s matter? How does that help me? Does it really matter to me? Why should I give it a damn?
I kept quiet. No more calls, no more contacts. I have two more years to spend in this college; I want to get rid of it smiling peacefully, not like getting rid of some tensions!
[To be contd…]
Days passed by, it was the season of our fresher’s party. I was important for the occasion of doing the presentation of the whole of my college, hence highlighting my branch. Difficult job, lots of work, we had more planning like the programmes and events to be planned, the anchoring and stuffs!! There I had a very startling experience. When the listing of the faculty members to be called was done, at the utterance of the name of that particular teacher, I heard the so called she-gossipers whisper, “how can we call the class splitter?” I was staring at them dumber than the idiots of heaven, what did she say? Class splitter? How?
I thought of asking them directly, but, they won’t speak up because “I” am asking! Why the hell am I destined for these complexions? Of course my investigative mind did evoke my brain! I was back! Sometimes I wonder, why my friends tease me by Mother Teresa’s name! I got my answer too.
I finally called the teacher up. I told him the details… the mastermind, the initiation. I spoke constantly for 15mins, no pause, no chance for him to speak up. I finished with the conclusion that he HAS TO believe me!
He said, he somehow knew about the mastermind. Hmm… I could understand the situation, when friends betray…
My job was done. But the matter wasn’t hidden. The she-gossipers came to know about it. They had to somehow prove me a villain in the class, so that the matter gets subsided. I was accused of being the teacher’s pet. I was glad, yet angry. Having been accused so much and so seriously, I was a kind of “indifferent” to what people told about me now! I kept on hearing their snubs. My aim was to inform the “target” about the dangers around him. So, now this was his headache. I must stay away…but, can I really do that? Huh! I am considered as the most balanced human in my gang. This was like a test…I had to prove it. My class Vs. My teacher, who do I choose?
Two days prior to the welcome bash, my chums informed about a so called conspiracy, against the same “target”… they would attack him. There was a sudden reminder into my grey cells. “attack”, I remember having tried to save an “attack” on that idiot senior who in turn, “attacked” my peace of mind forever. How would this teacher respond? A physical attack, no matter how deep is the wrath, is a complete dismissal under my ideologies. Yes! I have to save my teacher!
They needed me in this. I shouldn’t boast, but that’s the fact! I remember, a year ago, these humans were after this particular “target” and finally they got rid of his classes by a single complaint. They had a gall with my support towards this side, that time. I was again, daring the fires. May be I hadn’t been so interested if he weren’t corresponding to my Nana. Why are daughters so damn senti? Ehh…my “why”!
This time I had to be bolder. All my friends backed out. Nobody seemed worried about this. One of them did help me with an idea. I “threatened” them, I shall not cooperate in this, nor will I participate in the programmes. They will go spineless, I was sure. It was just 2 days away. They still had the power to oust me. So I continued, I will complain to the authority. Now what?
Huh, “Aly, the villain!!”
Nana always taught me, if you don’t want to do something, kick it off. But if you are keen to work on something, accomplish it at any cost. I was keen to save him. I had to do it, by hook or by crook. They called me “traitor”, I was somewhat betraying my class, but I was right, Nana said. They tried to convince me to swap sides. I am at times too obstinate. I had only one condition, this “target” will not be touched, that’s it! I knew I wasn’t that strong to deal with so many guys and I was sure, nobody will come for my rescue. There was a lot of ambiguity in my mind. Another bloody catch 22 situation…
Finally, after a long discussion, one of the representatives came to me and said, they wanted to interrogate him. I said I’ll stand by. No brawns. Engineering brats, man! They drink. I am really scared of those. Gawd knows how I collected these guts! They agreed.
Luck had never prevailed in my case, but for this time. The “target” got peaked with fever. I can’t explain how glad I was after realizing his absence. I knew I couldn’t handle it, if things got chaotic and violent. I was petrified throughout. My sigh of relief was my “thums up”!!
That very evening, on my way back home, I planned to inform everything to the teacher before things are out of my control and stupid “threats” to the “over-manly” teenagers turn futile. I had a constant smile on my face that time. Felt triumphant. I decided to wait for a couple of days until he recovered…but, as I said, luck had never prevailed in my case... This time I fell ill!
[To be contd…]
Illness is a very general term, liver failure, to be specific. I don’t remember to have ever boozed up in life. I am addicted to black coffee, soda [thums up] and chillis…bloody culprits! Liver failure means…my liver wasn’t working! Things started with high fever of around 105-106F, it was normal for me whenever I was struck with viral fever, so I was given medicines accordingly. But, does viral fever give rise to blood vomits? Yeah, I did have them. This led to the final diagnosis. Gosh! I was such a foodie! How do I survive without spices? Why did I have this liver malady? The millions of drunkards in this universe would have been a better choice! Spare me!
Life was still easy until my real treatment started. Boyey! I was hospitalized. I hate hospitals. They stink. I was admitted. I don’t remember how many pricks I had, but they were no less a thousand, to be candid and honest. Water from liver accumulated all over body, it had to be removed by “piercing” needle into my goddamn liver! Well, the needle wasn’t very thin. It did pain! Blood cells ruptured like balloons. Hemoglobin count reduced, it was 4. WBC increased to the highest extreme, I don’t really remember the value! Slowly I was sinking. I didn’t expect myself to be in such a horrible situation. I falling so sick, people visiting me…sounds idiotic, but it did happen and I was helpless this time. Nana was helpless too, for the first time. He assured me that I shall recover, really soon. I trust him. He is someone who can drag me out of any situation. I was sure he’ll do something for me.
I was missing from my college. I informed them that I had jaundice. Needless to say, the “target” teacher was worried too! I had a task of his pending. I asked my contacts to help him out. Since then I was in a different world, the world of darkness and solitude, with the family praying and me fighting, against myself. In those initial days, I took things very easily. Later when the treatments started, I realized what is “pain”, piercing needles into the liver and re-piercing at the same location to confirm the channel…searching for the veins, had never heard of taking saline in the legs, until I experienced it. After some 25days, I was better. I was discharged, but ordered for complete bed rest until one more month. I was stable. Lying on the bed, and doing nothing was impossible for me. I decided to go to college and give my leave application to the principal. Doctor had recommended to avoid keeping liver in vertical position. i had to disobey that for a day. I went to college with an injection at the neck…huh! It’s meant to increase metabolism. I met the principal and all my lecturers. Everybody cooperated. It was a happy day, April 8th, exactly a month after the welcome bash. My countenance had completely changed. I had lost a lot of weight, looked unrecognizable. I didn’t want any sympathy. I tried to be normal, liver did ache.
The injection at the neck had side effects, affects the liver again! Another series of blood vomits, from 10th April to 24th May, I was lying in the hospital… doing nothing. They sometimes allowed my lappy. I did create a lot of tantrums and nuisances. I hated that place. It was very very dark. I feared that darkness. It smelt like corpses. I felt as if some fiery deadly devil will drag me to hell from there. I don’t deserve the hell. All I had to do is, wait, until my liver responded to the treatments. I was kept sedated almost everytime. I still don’t remember some seven days of my life. I remember faintly, my bou’s face, they kept her away from me. I remember Nana’s confident approach, that his Lisly has a long way to go before the final sleep. I knew I will live…actually, I didn’t know if I would! I had never been so negative in my life. When liver ached, it destroyed all my hopes…
Well, there was an adder to this… my friends. How would you feel when you are stuck to bed and people ridicule you, tease you, curse you denoting you as a loser, bed ridden, useless, burden, incapable, disable…etc etc…yes, my friends! That was the worst phase of mine. I had no one to tell this or show the smses. If I showed it to Nana, he’d charge at those cretins and inform their families and a big issue. I think I had learnt to be patient and steady. I wanted to wait until I recovered. I was confident, I will get rid of that place, my Nana was always there with his arms wide. Wait…a painful short term! I swore I would chuck those kiddos, just let me recover.
The best way to avenge is to attack in the weakest moment. They did it. I was mentally attacked and weakened, because once, I had prevented an “attack” on a “target”…I had never thought that will haunt back to my life again. At this stage when I was debating with life and death, I was accused of supporting a wrong soul. I knew what I did was right. I had to save him, so I did it. Now, I have to save myself, I was doing it.
One day, things changed drastically. I was given reasons of their resentment and how I was wrong in my action. The “target” was a bad soul. Father aged men, I believe, are always good and someone resembling or corresponding to my Nana, has to be as perfect as him…this notion got washed away, in the fraction of a second. The one I saved was infact longing for my destruction! There’s another flashback to it…
It was the time when I was fighting with that bloody car of accidents. After a severe one, I had to inform some of my closest buddies about them. We had to find out the informer from my college. It surely was an insider as my varied timings were known to the driver, so were my locations. After many discussions and plus and minuses, we realized it could be a lecturer. We started discussing the possible ones. I must confess, I had no doubt on anyone. This informer had to be close to me, and aware of my movements and temperaments, a human quite good with me, and someone I trust…possible him…the “target”…
Yeah, I agree, it was really stupid of me. I doubted on the human I believed the most…I had to. But, I didn’t give in to my false beliefs so easily. I wanted to face him and ask it. Honestly, he had no reason to do it…but it isn’t difficult to dig them out.
I asked him directly, he proved himself. I was rude, I gave my reasons, he admonished them easily. All my accusations came out to be baseless. I was happy that I lost there. I just told myself, Nana-like humans are always good! I was readily forgiven. Since then, I felt indebted to this human, so I was determined to save him “by hook or by crook”…and I did it…but, what was I hearing now? He’s still holding the grudge?! Can someone be so vindictive? Since that incident, he is someone who hated me like anything. I had sinned; I agree…but then, was it worth keeping the grudge for 6-7months to the extent of wanting my cessation? Can somebody want other’s death as a mode of revenge?
I thought I was kiddish in that action, I felt I was forgiven and both of us had forgotten everything. He hadn’t. He always wanted this day to come, when I am helpless, down and low. He won, again! Really, Nana-like humans needn’t be as good as him always, Nana is only one, he is the best! The so called “target” was too normal and caring towards me. I could never get a clue of his resentment towards me. Thanks to my friends! So…I had wronged, I supported the wrong, against my own class! I was disloyal…
My exam schedule was another headache; they wouldn’t discharge me for it. Moreover, I was getting frustrated with regular updates of this human’s “revenge” against me and his “deeds” in college. Men who can’t respect women are eunuchs.
[to be contd…]
08 January 2009
When You Were There…
When you were there
There was everything out here
There was that leitmotiv smile
That spread over distances
As you passed by me.
There was that adept shoulder
That regenerated zonked energies
As you burdened it for me.
There was that daring altruist
Who mused for this impetuous loco
As you dared it for me.
There was that confident chum
Which gave all the liberties
As you did it for me.
There was that deep lauded love
That envied one and all
As you shared it with me
There was that best pillar
Who was just so unique
As you were for me
But, when you are not there,
Am finally left nowhere
There is no smile, energy or confidence
There’s no such lively freshness
There's only this future so hapless
Why have you reneged your cogent words
That you would stand by in even & odds??
There was everything out here
There was that leitmotiv smile
That spread over distances
As you passed by me.
There was that adept shoulder
That regenerated zonked energies
As you burdened it for me.
There was that daring altruist
Who mused for this impetuous loco
As you dared it for me.
There was that confident chum
Which gave all the liberties
As you did it for me.
There was that deep lauded love
That envied one and all
As you shared it with me
There was that best pillar
Who was just so unique
As you were for me
But, when you are not there,
Am finally left nowhere
There is no smile, energy or confidence
There’s no such lively freshness
There's only this future so hapless
Why have you reneged your cogent words
That you would stand by in even & odds??
They Say I Have Changed...
They say I have changed,
No, I don’t believe them.
“The element of change
is crucial to the art of living.”
What if I have changed?
And what if I haven’t?
Unchanged life is also a change!
If change in attitudes, so have I.
Thoughts are positively disastrous, if they are.
Luck turns massive, ah really?
Words coined together,
to pun at commas.
Mouths shut when business is gained,
Frustration says,”never mind, luck still prevails”.
Life is long, days are short.
Earn your seconds outta every moment,
Love life and live for yourself.
No, selfishness is not the change, if it is.
Matter and man don’t tug your philosophies,
It’s the blood of your soul that rushes out
When you pen down…
Daring life, shooting dangers…
No, no…
It never makes a change, if it is.
Deceptive souls, avoided at last,
Distanced and observed, read and experimented,
Faced and triumphed.
The strategy doesn’t claim a change, if it is.
Arrogance and diplomacy,
Formal and cold
Attitude patterns remark refinement
They don’t mean a change, if it is.
Dreams and ambitions
Hopes and thoughts,
Views of a blast, focus on future…
Desires of fame!
Nation and family, whichever comes first,
The decision doesn’t conclude a change, if it is.
Nostalgia and boredom,
Soiled forever.
Uncovered? no, never!
Always a step ahead, with growing life,
to guide myself to practical themes.
So, what’s a change?
Fashions change, designs change,
Currencies change, times change,
Choices change, decisions change,
Motives change, humans change…
And I…I just followed!
Then who has changed?
Not me of course…
They still say I have changed,
No, I don’t believe them!
No, I don’t believe them.
“The element of change
is crucial to the art of living.”
What if I have changed?
And what if I haven’t?
Unchanged life is also a change!
If change in attitudes, so have I.
Thoughts are positively disastrous, if they are.
Luck turns massive, ah really?
Words coined together,
to pun at commas.
Mouths shut when business is gained,
Frustration says,”never mind, luck still prevails”.
Life is long, days are short.
Earn your seconds outta every moment,
Love life and live for yourself.
No, selfishness is not the change, if it is.
Matter and man don’t tug your philosophies,
It’s the blood of your soul that rushes out
When you pen down…
Daring life, shooting dangers…
No, no…
It never makes a change, if it is.
Deceptive souls, avoided at last,
Distanced and observed, read and experimented,
Faced and triumphed.
The strategy doesn’t claim a change, if it is.
Arrogance and diplomacy,
Formal and cold
Attitude patterns remark refinement
They don’t mean a change, if it is.
Dreams and ambitions
Hopes and thoughts,
Views of a blast, focus on future…
Desires of fame!
Nation and family, whichever comes first,
The decision doesn’t conclude a change, if it is.
Nostalgia and boredom,
Soiled forever.
Uncovered? no, never!
Always a step ahead, with growing life,
to guide myself to practical themes.
So, what’s a change?
Fashions change, designs change,
Currencies change, times change,
Choices change, decisions change,
Motives change, humans change…
And I…I just followed!
Then who has changed?
Not me of course…
They still say I have changed,
No, I don’t believe them!
07 January 2009
06 January 2009
A Sin Named Injustice...
There is everything out here,
except something that I miss
some agony from within, I cant bear,
the remnant of my mind is at bliss
but the sole element,in ire!
That very little one,
which always remained so jolly,
whats up? I don't get it...
Why does it behave so stiffly?
It took a lot to realise every bit
that someone has been treated unjustly.
It is that scintilla of truth
that my character revolves around,
this excites the lurking loathe
for any injustice whose reason is not found.
there should be nothing biased,
everything should be fair and bound.
The sin hence committed shall never be redeemed,
the puny one shall remain so forever,
personifying my lucid temperament,as it seemed
Agitation! As injustice is done to my vigor.
[JUNE 2005]
except something that I miss
some agony from within, I cant bear,
the remnant of my mind is at bliss
but the sole element,in ire!
That very little one,
which always remained so jolly,
whats up? I don't get it...
Why does it behave so stiffly?
It took a lot to realise every bit
that someone has been treated unjustly.
It is that scintilla of truth
that my character revolves around,
this excites the lurking loathe
for any injustice whose reason is not found.
there should be nothing biased,
everything should be fair and bound.
The sin hence committed shall never be redeemed,
the puny one shall remain so forever,
personifying my lucid temperament,as it seemed
Agitation! As injustice is done to my vigor.
[JUNE 2005]
05 January 2009
About Waning Crescendo...
Waning Crescendo is an oxymoron!No! i didnt select an oxymoron to prove anything "new" or a confused state of mind. I named it so, as I felt the "waning crescendo"! Slowly the readers shall be acquainted with the "waning" and the "crescendo" parts of my life. The fact is, to get rid of the wane, we need the crescendo and vice versa, that's how we are balanced! Both are integral in every human's life. when there is no waning crescendo, there is no element of excitement in life!
We all have felt both of them, cried with the wane and been determined with the crescendo. The wane has crescendos, and the crescendo wanes too! Thus, the "waning crescendo"...
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